What If I'm Going Nuts...

Beam me up, Scotty!

Today, I visited the hospital for another Covid-19 swab, more blood tests and to have a review with the doctor. The review always takes place two days before a Chemo session.

Fortunately, there were no problems, but I still felt anxious about everything, which is only to be expected, I suppose, when one has a life-threatening condition.

Every time I take a Covid test I’m worried. What if it’s positive? What if I can’t go for my next chemo treatment? What if the progress of my treatment isn’t what it should be? What if I’m late for the meeting? What if I discover that I’m not on the appointment list? What if I find out that the doctor is sick? What if there’s a traffic jam? So many ‘What ifs….’ Totally stupid. Nonsensical. Crazy, but there you are, so don’t expect me to be rational all the time.  

On this occasion, we left home at 10.30 and got back four hours later. We had to go from department to department – blood tests, ECG, consultations – and were absolutely exhausted by the time it was all over.

Remember, we are at home most of the time, so to be surrounded by people and out of our comfort zone is very unsettling. Added to that is the apprehension we feel to be in a hospital where, potentially at least, the Covid virus could be running rampant.

By the time we had lunch it was gone 3pm and Rob was starving. We both needed to rest for the remainder of the day.

This is definitely ‘catastrophising’. Yes, that is a word, a condition that psychologists recognise. Maybe the fact that I know that I’m doing it means I’m not completely bonkers!

Photograph: Marija Grech