THE PROCEDURE

For the procedure to insert a thin tube into my left kidney I was taken to the Radiology Department. Normally, for this kind of minor operation a patient lies face down, but in my case this was not possible because of the staples in my stomach. This meant I had to lie on my side.

The preparation took 15 minutes with the radiologist repeatedly scanning my side to locate the exact area where he was going to operate. What made this part of the procedure somewhat alarming was that while he was doing it, all the medics in attendance were in full radiation protection gear, covered by lead vests from neck to groin.

All this was frightening and I started breathing rapidly. Before I was given a local anaesthetic, the radiologist asked me to breathe slowly. As the needle went deeper and deeper I tried to keep quiet and not panic. That was when a kind nurse held my hand and told me that I was ‘doing well’. I tried to take my mind somewhere else. I thought about tending the plants on our terrace, but that didn’t work. Then I asked myself where would I like to go for a holiday? A five star hotel with all the trimmings; some luxury and pampering; but nothing helped much.

The actual procedure, which I never hope to repeat, took 20 minutes. Then I was taken back to the ward.

I now pee in the normal way and through a tube in my back! Brilliant! I guess I could star on some weirdo website or get a job in a circus. Imagine the headline: Bald woman with a 10 inch stomach scar – plus staples - with a plastic bag and catheter on her back. I thought about posting a photo of the contraption on my website, but it would have to come with a health warning and disclaimer.

I remember thinking, Rob’s published novelist, but even he couldn’t have imagined this nightmare.