Last Week, This Week

Last week

After three horrific days feeling lousy, I finally start to feel a little better. That said, when I look in the mirror, I don’t know who’s staring back at me. Who is this weak, emaciated woman with a wrinkled face and a once-perfect tummy now so battle scared? Where have my toned and muscled, cellulite-free legs gone? Even my arms are skinny and I can’t believe I’ve suddenly developed bingo wings. I’ve been a gym-bunny all my life, but now stoop sometimes and find it difficult to stand upright!  

I’ve felt so frail and fragile over the past few days, it’s left me weak in mind and spirit. I have so many thoughts tumbling through my head at the moment: who is this old woman I have become?  Is this who I want to be? Why do I persevere? Do I want to persevere? Will I have more quality of life before the end? And when will the end come? A month? A year? Five years? How will we manage when the doctors tell me I have “…a few months.”  If – when – that happens, Rob will need supporting. But how will I do that? What on earth can I say? Arrangements will have to be made. What arrangements? I have thought of a few, not to be mentioned yet.

This week

For the last two days I’ve forgotten I have cancer. Yes, it’s true. I’m still fatigued, of course, but I’ve been feeling better than I have done for a long time. And my appetite’s returned with a vengeance. Now, Rob teases me about how much I’m eating. He says that he’s glad I’m eating like an elephant, but he doesn’t want me to look like one!

The lesson I’m learning is: Take one day at a time.